Question

Study the following weak message from an employee to her boss. List at least five weaknesses. Revise to eliminate flabby expressions, long lead-ins, there is/there are fillers, trite business expressions, clichés, and buried verbs, and to address lack of parallelism, lack of plain English, and other problems.

To: Daniel Kalanek <[email protected]>

From: Cheryl Madzar<[email protected]>

Subject: My Suggestion

Mr. Kalanek,

Pursuant to the fact that you asked for suggestions on how to improve customer relations, I am submitting my idea. I am writing you this message to let you know that I think we can improve customer satisfaction easy by making a change in our counters.

Last December glass barriers were installed at our branch. There are tellers on one side and customers on the other. The barriers have air vents to be able to allow us tellers to carry on communication with our customers. Management thought that these barriers that are bullet proof would prevent and stop thieves from catapulting over the counter.

However, there were customers who were surprised by these large glass partitions. Communication through them is really extremely difficult and hard. Both the customer and the teller have to raise their voices to be heard. It's even more of an inconvenience when you are dealing with a person that is elderly or someone who happens to be from another country. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, these new barriers make customers feel that they are being treated impersonal.

I did research into the matter of these barriers and made the discovery that we are the only bank in town with them. There are many other banks that are trying casual kiosks and open counters to make customers feel that they are more at home.

Although it may be easier said than done, I suggest that we actually give serious consideration to the removal of these barriers as a beginning and initial step toward improving customer relations.

Cheryl Madzar

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