Question

1. A codependent person is often described as one who is overly dependent on others for his or her sense of self-worth. Where do you believe the boundary between a healthy and a codependent relationship lies? What behaviors fall close to this boundary line?

2. Does codependency exist? What do you think?

3. Based on the characteristics of a codependent person discussed in your text, do you have friends or acquaintances whom you could identify as codependent?

4. Could any of those behaviors be attributed to yourself, and if so, do you believe you are codependent? Why or why not?

5. The concept of enabling is also a difficult one to understand, in part because (as with codependency) it is so vague. For example: a friend who is on a diet to lose 50 pounds has a “slip” in which he gives in to temptation and eats one donut out of a box you brought home after work, planning to give them to coworkers the next day. You do not say anything about your friend’s slip. After all, it is just one donut out of two-dozen and you know that your friend has worked very hard on his diet. Are you “enabling” or just being an understanding friend?

Answer 1

1. It is important to note that a co-dependent person is the person who is indeed excessively dependent on others for holding a sense of self-worth or self-esteem. It often happens that people are not able to establish a firm, concrete, self-satisfying, and a successful sense of identity. This may be due to inability or life circumstances. Therefore, it becomes difficult to establish a well-defined identity. A person who lacks a sense of identity will immensely depend on co-dependence. This is especially true for housewives who derive a sense of worth or a sense of self-esteem from the identity of their husbands. The boundary between a healthy and a co-dependent relationship lies in "interdependence fostered by independence". It is important to note that any relationship has the flavour of interdependence. Even healthy relationships are defined by aspects of interdependence. But what really helps a healthy relationship survive is independence in interdependence. Such independence is achieved through a sense of personal identity. The partners are independently interdependent. Conversely, in co-dependence, the aspect of dependency supersedes independence. In a healthy relationship, independence supercedes dependency. The behaviours which fall close to this boundary line are irresponsible, addictive, or underachieving behavior, people-pleasing, poor boundaries, reactivity, caretaking, dependency, etc. These behaviors when exhibited excessively to enhance one's sense of identity or self-esteem lead to co-dependence.

2. Co-dependence exists even in today's modern society. There are partners in a relationship who are heavily burdened with responsibility, whereas others are completely irresponsible. There are partners who wish to enjoy other's success,without establishing their own sense of identity. There are people who want to be liked by others to feel valued, important, and esteemed. So, in reality, co-depedence exists.

3. Yes, I have friends and family members who are co-dependent. My aunt is co-dependent on my uncle for a sense of identity. My sisters exhibit co-dependency when they want to be liked by their peers.

4. I am not a co-dependent person. This is because I have already established a well-defined sense of identity that is fostering my self-esteem. I carry out my responsibilities in a relationship and also maintain a sense of identity. I do not want to be liked or pleased by others for a sense of self-worth.