Question

Rachel's Story

A mothers' account of raising a transgendered child Rachel's mother is the author of this story. She writes about the first few years of Rachel's life when she was known as Ryan. This is the story of how Ryan became Rachel. Rachel is a beautiful, well-adjusted, happy and healthy nine year old little girl. She likes to do all the things little girls at this age like to do. Sleepovers and ice-cream sundaes are by far her favorite things in life. But her life to this point has not been easy. Rachel was born with a boy's body. This is our story . . . In 1996, I gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl, Ryan and Alissa. They were the most beautiful babies I had ever seen. I had struggled to have children; these two were the result of 11 invitro fertilizations in five years, with five miscarriages along the way. This was, by far, the happiest day of my life. I was not the type of mom that learned everything from books; I thought that the best parenting would come from within and I wanted to tap into my maternal instincts. I had no expectations for my children's lives; I just wanted to raise happy, secure, productive adults. It was apparent from the beginning that these two kids were completely different. Alissa was active and alert and always needing to know what was going on; she slept in short intervals. Ryan was very quiet and serious, he enjoyed cuddling and sleeping and he hated to be held by different people. My mom and I would joke, "typical boy." By two-and-a-half, both children were active and speaking. Ryan would always correct us when we said things like "Good Boy" or "Boys do it like this." He would say "But I'm a girl." He would get upset when he wore blue while his sister was dressed in pink. He was not interested in typical boys' toys nor did he like us to describe him as "handsome"; he insisted on "pretty" or "beautiful." We attributed all of these behaviors and confusions to having a twin sister who hit her milestones earlier. She was the first to crawl, the first to walk, the first to speak and the first to potty train. Ryan was always competitive, even early on, so we thought that Ryan just wanted to be like Alissa. One night I was bathing the kids; they weren't three yet. After the kids played and washed up, I took them from the tub and wrapped them in towels. I left the bathroom for a moment to get something (I can't remember what) and when I returned, Ryan was trying to remove his p**** with an unopened nail clipper. Shocked, I said, "Hey Buddy, what are you doing?" He replied, very innocently, "I have to cut this off, it doesn't go there." I told him that it would hurt and took the clippers. We continued with the rest of the nightly activities; I went on as best I could. As time went on, Ryan's need to express like a girl became more and more apparent. He loved nail polish and lipstick. He liked to play dress-up for hours to the point where they became his daily attire. He gave us a hard time when it was time to go somewhere. He got upset when his sister would be able to wear a dress and he couldn't. He stopped attending his own birthday parties and refused to open gifts. Even Christmas was disappointing; he needed to be coaxed through each present, constantly eyeing his sister's booty. Ryan's mood was more and more depressed and he was only four years old. I kept hoping that this was just confusion or a phase, but it wasn't ending, it was getting worse. At home during the day, he was happy in his dress-up things or wearing some of his sister's old clothes. He played with other little girls in the neighborhood and it was really apparent to the other moms that Ryan was very feminine in both his actions and his activities.

Ryan and Alissa started kindergarten at age five. I went in and met Ryan's teacher and told her that he preferred to play as a girl and that was okay with his father and me. I asked her to tell me if there were any problems or if kids started picking on him and she promised that she would. She supported a child's right to be happy even if it meant not behaving as defined by our society's roles for gender. Kindergarten was uneventful. Ryan's grades were average and his friends were girls in his class. Mornings were brutal however; he never wanted to go to school, and he never wanted to get dressed. It was a constant struggle. Just before first grade began, one hot August night, I was putting him to bed and we were saying our prayers. When he ended, he looked at me and said "I'm so mad at God. Every night after I say my prayers, I close my eyes and ask God to make me into a girl, and every morning when I wake up I'm still a boy. God made a mistake mommy and he won't fix it, no matter how hard I wish." My heart broke. I said, "I know honey. I know you want to be a girl. And when I was your age I wanted to be a boy. But when I grew up I was glad I was a girl." And he asked "What if I grow up and I still don't want to be a boy, what then?" I replied, "Then I'll help you find a doctor that can change your body into a girl's." His face lit up like it was Christmas. "You mean like when I'm 25?" I said "yes, when you're 25." He slept that night with a smile on his face. When first grade started I explained his needs to the teacher and again asked that she watch for bullying. This teacher too, was supportive and understanding. Each day was again met with a struggle and matters got worse. At school, Ryan began to have panic attacks; he had emotional breakdowns daily. He was unable to do his work; he could not concentrate or pay attention. He would say things to me like "You don't know what it's like to be me" or "Mom, I wish I was dead." We had long talks about his need to be a girl but he would not discuss these issues with anyone else. My heart was breaking. I could not find a doctor who understood what he was going through. Doctors didn't want to get involved with a child so young for fear of lawsuits in the future. Ryan was only happy when he was able to express as a girl so I found myself becoming more and more lenient with this behavior. His father, on the other hand, was doing his best to "mold his son" into a boy. This caused added tension into a house that was already in turmoil. It was an agony. I was often accused of "encouraging" Ryan's feminine behavior, but I couldn't have stopped it if I tried. To me, it didn't seem right to force a child to like things he didn't like, or dress in a way that made him uncomfortable, or play in a way that wasn't fun, just to please everyone else. My gut told me something was wrong, and the solution was uncomfortable for everyone except me and my child.

I remember making the analogy of having a child who was trapped in a wheelchair. If this were the case, and I could do something to allow this child to run and play like all other kids for a few hours a day, wouldn't I be lax as a mother if I didn't allow this miracle to occur. To me, Ryan had a little girl trapped inside, and letting her out made him happy, and seeing him happy made me happy, no matter what it took. I always believed that each child is born with a spirit, a reason to be. It was my greatest responsibility as a parent to nurture that spirit and help him become who he was meant to be, not who I wanted him to be. But how do you, as a mom, allow your child to express behaviors that are appalling to society? My dilemma was clear, and so was my mission. I needed to create an environment where Ryan could be happy and others could accept him. But how? By six years old, Ryan was suicidal. We had to lock the windows upstairs because he threatened, on a regular basis, to jump out and end his life. I spent my days crying to anyone who would listen, insurance-care providers, doctors, secretaries, receptionists, teachers, family members and friends . the list goes on. In March of that year, we found a pediatric doctor who specialized in child behavioral and gender issues. She explained that Ryan had Gender Identity Disorder; he is Transgendered. Putting it into laymen's terms, she told us that while not much is known about this condition, it is believed to be caused when the child's brain develops like that of the opposite gender, in this case female. This development takes place in utero; a signal from the fetus, depending on the biologic gender, tells the mother's body to produce estrogen or to masculinize that estrogen into a form of testosterone. The hormones produced then wash the brain causing a part of the hypothalamus to develop differently in men than in women. Ryan began his transition. It started at home and in the neighborhood. He was allowed to freely wear whatever clothing he liked; I began purchasing him his own wardrobe of "girls clothes." I also spoke to anyone that would listen, explaining the best I could, what this condition was and how it affected him. People were understanding, and for the most part, accepting; but I always got the feeling they walked away saying, "Wow, she's got a handful, glad that's not my kid." But I was glad that Ryan wasn't theirs, too.

Ryan started second grade as Reggi; his initials are REG (and Reggi was the girl character on his favorite cartoon). Because of his anxiety during first grade and his inability to learn or retain, he began second grade testing at a mid-year kindergarten level. I explained his recent diagnosis to the teachers and administrators; all were accepting and understanding and willing to do whatever it took to help him out. The first few months seemed to be confusing for everyone but Reggi. His hair was growing a little longer; his clothing was all purchased in girl's departments but "unisex" would be the word I would use to describe his attire. Reggi was happy; happy to go to school; happy to be learning; participating in all the lessons for the first time in his life. All of the teacher's noticed his change, but so did the other students. While I could go to the staff and explain what was occurring, no one could discuss the subject with the other students without parental permission. So the kids asked questions like "Hey, is your kid a boy or a girl?" and I would reply "It doesn't matter to me as long as Reggi is happy." Funnier yet, no one knew what pronouns to use, so everyone avoided them. I would joke with the teachers that we all spoke like Elmo on Sesame Street. Reggi settled into 2nd grade and had an incredible year. For the first time, he was invited to a birthday party. He came home and said, "Mom, I got invited to Julia's Birthday Party for next Saturday. All the girls in the class were invited! Can I go? Please?" Of course my child was attending. In March of Reggi's seventh year, I found an incredible Internet support group, www.transfamily.org, that provided a method of communication among parents of transgendered children. Most of the parents on the list were moms of children in their 20s and 30s, but several of the moms had children as young as Reggi. Within 48 hours of finding this site, I found more information than I could have imagined about children suffering in bodies that don't match their identified gender. After discussing this new information with the rest of the family, I went to the school and told Reggi's teacher that we were ready to start using female pronouns. This was by far, the hardest part of our transition, using "she" and "her" instead of "he" and "him", but the teachers seemed get the hang of it right away; the other children caught on quickly as well. At home it was a little rougher, but each time we made a mistake and used a male pronoun, we corrected ourselves and moved on with our discussion. We watched our child's spirit come to life. It was like witnessing the metamorphosis a caterpillar makes to become a beautiful butterfly. As her outward appearance started to resemble who "she" felt like inside, her academics and social skills improved as well. Soon she was reading and spelling with little or no effort and that year, she completed 2nd grade testing on a 4th grade level. Reggi began to excel in all areas. She was being invited to friends' homes for play time and sleepovers and her grades became all A's and B's. But the children who couldn't understand what had happened, and who couldn't forget that Ryan was in their Kindergarten and 1st grade classes, started to become abusive.

They would reserve their comments to times when an adult wasn't present, like on the playground or on the bus. They called her "Gay-Boy" or "the Girl with a D***"; they tried to trip her or entice her into a physical confrontation. But Reggi, loving who she was allowed to be, didn't respond; she seemed to just want it to go away. In fact, the only reason I found out what was happening was because Alissa, Reggi's twin, was usually present but had been sworn to secrecy by Reggi. One day Alissa got off the bus crying. "Mom, I can't take it any more" she cried. The kids on the bus had a yearbook from the previous year and they were harassing Reggi, pointing out pictures from 1st grade captioned "Ryan" and saying things like "See, you're a boy that likes to wear skirts you little fag" or "no matter what you call yourself, you'll always be Ryan Grant, Ryan Grant" (tantalizing her with her birth name like it was a bad word). Even the bus driver pointed out the name on the bus pass was "Ryan" so "he" had to be a boy. Reggi's response was slight of emotion. She just said "Mom, I don't care what those kids say. They are jerks and I wouldn't play with them even if they were nice to me." I knew inside she had to hurt, but I realized why she could not tell anyone; to repeat what was happening just caused the event to go on—and she just wanted it all to go away. The school, once again, handled it great. They brought the children into the counselor's office in small groups and discussed what was happening and tried to explain what Reggi was dealing with. They allowed the children to ask questions and discuss their behavior in the security of other children and without repercussion. To this day, out of some 600 students that experienced Reggi's transition, only one or two bullies continue, very subtly and infrequently, and the school takes a "no tolerance" approach toward the behavior. In August of 2005, Ryan's name was legally changed to Rachel Elizabeth; Reggi would still work as a nickname. This was done so that all school records could be changed and class lists would be distributed with a girl's name as opposed to a boy's. In this way, Rachel would not be singled out by substitutes or bus drivers; nor would explanations be necessary in many settings. As Rachel approaches puberty, a whole new set of issues arise which we can only prepare ourselves for. Our plan is to wait until we notice signs of secondary sex changes such as body hair or voice change. We then will probably use hormone blockers to prevent these changes. If all is on track, (if she still expresses as a female and desires to live as one) we will begin HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and allow her body to develop with feminine characteristics.

QUESTIONS

1). What additional themes do you see emerging from this story that the authors did not highlight?

2)What questions would you want to ask each member of the immediate family to help with your assessment of this case?

3)What support would you need to work with a client or family presenting with issues related to gender identity?

4)What services do you think would help support this family?

Answer 1

1. This is very appreciating to hear that the mother of the transgender is so much supportive of the whole scenario. Usually, this does not happen. It is the parents who are usually not supportive of their children as being transgender. They become agitated, disoriented, and unable to understand why this is happening to their child only especially in this case when the mom became a mom after so many hardships. One thing seems missing in this story is the fathers and other family reaction towards the whole issue. The story is all about Ryan and her mom and a little bit about facing problems in the school. But I think for a kid life is more in a home which involves his or her immediate family members especially dad. Yes, the mom did tell initially the dad was not supportive but after that dad got out of the picture and all the major decisions for Ryan has been taken by the mom only as if she was a single parent. So I think Dad`s role is missing and also the role of her twin sister is ambiguous, it should have been more clear.

2. I would have gone to each member of the family and asked their opinion about the whole thing and also to the doctor to ask how the issue could be solved at this age.

3. I think as a human the most important thing I would like to advise is to be supportive of such incidents, people and their family because after all, these transgenders are also human whether or not they belong to separate genders. It is their right to lead a normal life without any bullying or making them feel inferior. As a society memnber, we should make everybody aware of the fact that it is the right of everybody to live equally on this planet with equal rights and opportunities without any biases.

4. TransFamily Support Services should be there which could counsel and guide the family members of such individuals which are the major support system in their lives.