Question

Paragraph 1

Background
You’ve applied for a specific job in your field of study. The Human Resources Department arranges an
interview and tells you to bring with you a polished piece of writing for them to evaluate your writing
skills. The paragraph must describe one particular experience you’ve had that inspired you or guided
you to choose the type of position for which you applied.
Your audience is your potential employer and your purpose is to show you have thought carefully
about what and/or who has motivated you toward this career choice and why. In addition, you want
to convey your enthusiasm for this position as it relates to your inspiring experience. Take time to
think about what your audience wants to know and strive to reach a balance between informal and
formal business writing.

I am just looking for some guidance to see if I am grasping how to put my paragraph together. 

I have included my paragraph below:

In response to the advertisement in the Hugo Daily News newspaper, I understand that you are seeking a Family Services Specialist.  I have all of the qualifications that you have described in the job description that was advertised. One particular required qualification is the ability to show compassion towards families that are in need of assistance in the community.  I have seen first hand how someone in the position of helping others can make the greatest difference in a person’s life.  A woman with three children was desperate to try to find a place for her and her children to live when she first moved into the community.  The Family Services director of Hugo Public Service sat down with the woman, went over several options with her and told her everything would be alright. The woman broke down in sobs of gratitude.  I knew then that I wanted to help improve the lives of people in my community and I feel that with me on your team I can make a difference, one family at a time.