Question

Part 1: Revision–Read the following document and identifyerrors in format, sentence structure, punctuation, word choice, word formation, tone, numbers, or capitalization. Re-write the poorly written message into an effective one, focussing on conciseness, accuracy, positive and bias-free expression, clearof grammar, spelling, and punctuation errors. (20points)Nanaimo SportsCentreVancouverBranch 8791AustinStreet Vancouver, BC Y2P 2P8November 27, 2019Ms. R.FergusonFergusonAthleticApparel315 Massey Cr. Port Moody, BC Z6T 3B5Dear Ms. Ferguson:We’re collecting for the local Nanaimo Sports Centre?We have chosen $28.00 as a fair minimum for businesses to give.But bigger amounts would bestronglyrecommended. Our Centre totallyrequires your donation.As we speak, about 430 teenagers don’tgets to participate in Nanaimo Sports activities unless more money are donated.Nanaimo Sports is a truly worthwhile program.In my opinion, business leaders of any age should support it. I assume youare by now familiar with our organization, but if you’ve never heard about us, here is the scoop.Nanaimo Sports Centre is an organization for high school youngsters.They find work with local businesses and then form small businesses and then they opperate these businesses.During they operate the businesses they also learn about usrunning the business.This is good, I think, and we should all help. Hoping to get your substantial donation as soon as possible,Sincerely, William Barnett, Presiden

Answer 1

answer-

This message has some major errors. The tone of this letter is confusing, informal and not easy to understand. There are some punctuation errors are also present. for example there is use of colon instead of comma after in greeting section " Dear Ms. Ferguson:" it should be like " Dear Ms. Ferguson,".

The first line of first para has question mark instead of Full stop. There is comma instead of full stop in closing line "as soon as possible,"

The word choice is also poor in thie letter for example sender used the word " scoop" which does not make any sense.

In the end formating of signature is also wrong where president should be put under the name.

so overall this letter is full of mistakes and errors.

Improved message-

Nanaimo Sports Centre

Vancouver Branch

8791 AustinStreet

Vancouver, BC Y2P 2P8

November 27, 2019

Ms. R.Ferguson Ferguson

AthleticApparel

315 Massey Cr.

Port Moody, BC Z6T 3B5

Dear Ms. Ferguson,

We are very happy to inform you that we are from the local Nanaimo Sports Centre. We are organizing a charity event in which businesses like yours can make donation of minimum $28. You are welcome and appreciated if you make more than $28.

Your donation is exteremely required for the wellness and welfare of teenage children. Our center promote teenagers to participate in programs which promote thier growth and potential. The only thing which is stopping us is the lack of funds. I believe donations make by businesses like yours will make a huge difference in their life.

Our organization is known for supporting high school youngsters to find and work with local businesses so that they can have experience of operating small business. This create perfect opportunity for them to be successful business person in future.In return, this donation activity will make your business image more positive.

We are hoping that you will make substaintal donation.

Sincerly,

William Barnett

(President)