Question

Difficult conversations are stressful for both parties, and often elicit highly complex emotions (CMI 2015). It can be difficult to keep an objective view of the situation, but in an emotionally charged atmosphere, setting an example of calm assertiveness will help to temper the reactions of the other party. Self-awareness and self-control are the watchwords here. By managing our own emotions, we are effectively encouraging the other person to do the same (CMI 2015).

Leaders should acknowledge and respond to the person feelings rather than react to their behavior and avoid telling someone they are being silly, dramatic, or that they should calm down (CMI 2015). Leaders should acknowledge the emotions they are experiencing and respond with kindness and empathy. Furthermore, outbursts may be short-lived or drawn out. Leaders should be patient and allow the person time to recover their composure (CMI 2015). They may be embarrassed about their outburst once they have calmed down, so leaders should reassure them that their feelings are understandable and natural (CMI 2015). A difficult conversation can’t be rushed. Leaders should give the individual space and time to respond (CMI 2015). If they are overly emotional or overwhelmed it may be sensible to call a short ‘time out’ to allow them to recover. Also, leaders may encourage them to respond by starting with a few simple yes/no questions (CMI 2015).

As leaders, there are three sets of emotions, which we need to be aware of and manage: a) How we feel about instigating the discussion: It’s natural to feel apprehensive even embarrassed about starting a difficult conversation and nervous or fearful about how the other person may respond. It can be helpful to bear in mind that the conversation isn’t personal; it’s part of our responsibility as a managers. Outbursts of emotion are not necessarily aimed at us personally; the comments may be directed at us as a representative of the organization or it may be that this is the first opportunity the person has had to express their feelings. In most cases we will not be personally responsible for what has led to the exchange or for how the person feels (CMI 2015). b) How we feel about the issue being discussed: leaders should not allow the strength of their own feelings on an issue to cloud their professional judgment (CMI 2015). c) How we feel about the person involved: This is perhaps the most complex and challenging of the three strands, as it is likely to evoke the strongest emotions. If the person is someone you like and respect, we may feel awkward, embarrassed, or even angry that we need to have the conversation with them. We may be tempted to ‘soften the blow’ in order to spare their feelings, or treat them more leniently because of our relationship with them. In the same way, if it is someone we find difficult to get on with or have clashed with in the past, we shouldn’t let feelings of dislike, anger or frustration intrude on or distort the conversation and by no means succumb to the temptation to use it as an opportunity for one – upmanship (CMI 2015).

Based on the above discussion, have you had any experiences with this class of emotion in a difficult conversation?

Answer 1

Ans : As an HR Manager I have been involved and experienced this class of emotions at different levels. Especially a case where a performance feedback has to be given to an employee who assumed he was performing at his utmost. The employee was punctual and quite disciplined with regards to adherence to company polices ad rules but was not productive with the work and was not meeting targets assigned by the manager. The employee assumed he was a consistent performer and was giving his best to the role, but as per the numbers his performance was not in line with what was expected, hence as a HR Manager had to give him feedback to improve his performance. Since the employee was very emotionally carried away and was not open to feedback hence gave reasons and tried to justify why he could not perform and also led to outbursts of words, it was important to calm the employee down and also acknowledge and appreciate the good aspects of his personality like him being punctual and following company rules, which calmed the initial reaction of the employee and the importance of performance was highlighted and also data and facts provided for him to gauge where he stands with reference to the target to achieve. As an HR Manager I could have easily reprimanded him for his outburst but it was important to let him know the important of feedback and how to constructively accept and work positively on the feedback given. The Leader has to be calm but assertive in pointing out his views and also understand situations from different aspects and looks for ways to control it and direct conversations in a positive way.